Fleeting Adventures of Insufferable Romance and Excruciating Fantasy – #021 – The Ballad of the Three Asses

Once upon an ass, in a galaxy up my ass, there were three asses who were capable of nothing but living up to their description: that of being complete asses. The three asses had gone on a planned sabbatical to a remote ass somewhere in my ass. The voyage on their ass ship was a long one, interspersed with numerous periods of—you guessed it—exuberant ass-smacking. Little did the three asses know though, that the ass they were destined for had long been relocated to a significantly more assy neighborhood. What floated in its place was now a humongous set of cock and balls. Horrified at the apparent lack of ass, the three asses threw fits of panic and, ass fate would have it, ass-landed near the urethra of the giant cock head. Now say what you want about this land but some of my closest friends hail from giant cock and balls planets and they’re pretty cock and balls alright by me. But these three asses, being the asses that they were, did not appreciate all this cock and ball. “AAASSSSS!” farted one of the asses. “Ass ass ass ass,” farted another, reassuringly. The third ass did not fart at all, and held it all in. Days assed by in the blink of an eye. They would sleep in the folds of the scrotum, for solar winds on cock shaft and tip made their asses feel weird. There were no ass ships in the area and the three asses grew very hungry. Out of desperation, they decided to execute their last resort. And so they sharted, with enough propulsion to escape the gravitational pull of the giant cock and balls. Flecks of shit covered the giant cock and balls to the point that its cock and balls weren’t recognizable under all that shit. Thus, a new planet was born: A steaming heap of shit. In retaliation, the buried cock issued a colossal stream of piss, which erupted from the bowels of the steaming heap of shit, but a beautiful space piss-rainbow was all it amounted to. The three asses watched with utter fascination at this marvel of nature and slowly began to miss the giant cock and balls, as they hurtled toward farther asses, and cocks and pieces of shit and pussies and rivers of piss and vestiges of enemas and disease-filled excretions, ad infinitum. The moral of this story is: Don’t be an ass if you want ass but got cock and balls, just have a good shit and you’ll get where you need to go. Piss out.

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Fleeting Adventures of Insufferable Romance and Excruciating Fantasy – #012 – The Oldest Game – Part 2

“The flaming mass lowers itself, ever so slowly, onto the face of Sandugo,” William chants. “All that is held together by the forces that drive life is torn apart by the intense heat and crushing impact. The lambalat progenitors, who sought to conquer land, perish before they even learn to stand upright. I have won.”

Benito eyes the meteor card with intensity, fully acknowledging death, and facing it head on. “The game isn’t over yet.”

“How is it not over? I have obliterated the planet. Chunks of molten rock are careening into space as we speak. There is no primordial soup from which to begin. There is no single piece of land present in any of our fields that could house your forces of connection. I have expelled a significant quantity of matter from these coordinates. I have let things run their course, as should be. You’d need a miracle in this godless universe.”

“I could wait.”

“What?”

“I could just sit here and wait, and so long as I don’t take my next turn, I will never lose. Life does not hurry, Will, nor do the forces that bond.”

“So that’s it? You’re just going to wallow. You couldn’t turn things around, so you’re just going to suspend this moment, your moment of utter defeat, and bask in nothing but emptiness for all time?” William dropped his remaining cards onto the table, stood up, and began to walk away. Benito called him out before he could exit the game space.

“Or—I could harness the forces that drive entropy for my own ends.” This statement made William stop in his tracks and turn around. Benito chose a card from his hand and showed it to William. It was unmistakable, that etching. But what use would he have for it, William thought.

“Go ahead, draw from the discard pile. The last card used was the Meteor. Willing to damage yourself further, I see. It’s fruitless.”

“You mentioned that you had sent chunks careening into space.” Benito brandishes the Meteor card. “Every chunk will fly for as long as it needs, but one day, every single one will collide with a newly formed planet, not enough to destroy it.” William looks at Benito in utter horror. “Yes, Will. I have used your own forces against you. These innumerable meteors carry traces of organic acids and will introduce them to the innumerable new planets. Moons will form that churn the seas. Life will rise, a trillionfold. Not enough cards of this game exist that could possibly turn it around for you, I’m afraid.”

William dropped to his knees. Benito dropped his remaining cards onto the table as well and walked over to where his opponent knelt, and offered his hand. “Come, let us be free of this place.” Hesitantly, William took it. And so, together, they walked out of Deep Space, the Astral Door closing in behind them.

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