In the month of Seven, which was ordinally and ecclesiastically the ninth in the two thousand and fifteenth year of God’s only begotten son, Jesus Christ, sounds of copulation produced by two Archangels in heat were recorded by human-made lasershow outpost, the Laser Interferometer Gravitational-Wave Observatory. Multiple attempts to reestablish communication with the humans have been undertaken but have yet to be successful following the severance of the bridge to Heaven Inc., perpetrated by the late Friedrich Nietzsche during the eighteen eighties—God is only as dead as punk is, and you won’t believe how many times people keep on reviving that stuff. The bridge has been under construction ever since, making divine intervention all the more impossible.
The two Archangels, whose names and positions have been withheld from the public, have been relieved of duty and await court-martial in approximately five to seven working days. The first of them has duly expressed his contrition and promises not to engage in further spacetime-distorting activities, especially not of the sexual kind. His partner in crime, on the other hand, has forgone all remorse and has spoken overtly on the hypocrisy and mismanagement rife in the current government.
God wishes to ask for forgiveness on behalf of the entire hierarchy of Heaven Inc. for this gross misunderstanding. They (God) also dearly wish gravitational waves were the case, as They are an avid Einstein fan, and They have even promoted the German-born angel-physicist to the rank of Head of the Department of Science in Their Holy Cabinet. We have tried to reach the originator of these theories, himself, but he has refused to give any comment on the matter. (Although we are sure he has a lot to say on the topic of matter.)
Still, there is a good thing to be drawn from all this confusion: Seeing as mid-coital waves are able to reach Earth faster than any existing technology can, scientists are finding a way to encode relevant information into these quote-unquote-gravitational-waves so as to be properly intercepted and deciphered by human laser parties.
This has been The Daily Eternal, bringing you news everlasting.